Layers, cells, constellations

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” —  Anais Nin

I saw this quote on another blog this week, and it resonated with me for so many reasons.

blossoms / seen on last sunday's run

I have perhaps never felt so imperfect as I feel right now. There is a rawness to it, but also, a self-awareness that I've only been able to achieve in my 30s. It's less than two months until I turn 32 now, and I feel I've never known more or less about life. And honestly ... mostly less. This is such an unusual, unplanned for time in my life. I keep saying "I'm off the timeline," and that's exactly how it feels, and the only way I can hope to describe it. I had a map of my life, and now I'm off the map. I have no idea what's going to happen anymore. It's absolutely terrifying, but I'm trying to embrace the beauty in the terror. Universe, I am open to whatever comes next, and I am at your mercy. I know nothing. You win.

The universe always wins, ultimately, though, doesn't it?

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It's been a weird week. Most of it is "classified" (ie, work-related, mostly) so I can't talk about it specifically, but I will say that I've rarely felt the need for a weekend like this one. I'm desperate for it. Thank goodness it's finally here. The boy and I have been sick again over the last two weeks, but hopefully that's about to wrap up for the time being -- if I could stop getting sick repeatedly, I would be so very happy. And I've just been feeling really responsible and stressed out and there's only so long I can maintain Adult Mode before I need to go blow off some steam somewhere.

I am raring to go for this weekend, but my biggest goal (other than running 6-7 miles on Sunday morning) is to relax, be productive, sleep and enjoy myself -- all at the same time. I am such a contradiction, and you can feel free to call me crazy, but I think all of this is actually possible.

This is the conclusion of a challenging week. My eyes and heart are open, and I'd like to end this post with a few things I've been telling myself all week long, as I stumbled through a rocky landscape:

I am an endless work in progress. 

I will never be perfect. 

My heart has scaffolding on it right now. 

I am not a role model. 

I answer only to myself, and to my own standards. 

Myself is the only thing I can be. And for better or for worse, that has to be good enough.  

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my latest tattly, at north berkeley bart station this week

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Have a safe and happy Easter weekend, internet.