The worst day.

Jeffy in 2009

And I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was the tide...
—Sarah McLachlan 

I wrote half of a post yesterday evening about how life was "continuing to plug along" and how worried we were about Jeffy, but also how hard we were working to take care of him, and how much I loved him and how grateful I've been for having the last week with him, and away from work. I mentioned that Scott and I both had to go to work today, and how concerned I was but also how I craved having a normal schedule, and besides that, maybe Jeffy was hanging in there.

I got distracted and never finished the post...

Because I knew he wasn't getting better, and I have been blessed and cursed with very good intuition.

I know that Scott would prefer I spare the details, at least right now, but all night last night I was a wreck. I couldn't even focus on cooking, or funny UK TV shows on Netflix. I was really worried about Jeffy, even more than usual, but I didn't voice all the doomsday feelings I was having, because it felt like paranoia brought on by PMS or something else that I use to make excuses for myself. We took him to the bed and placed him down on his heating pad just before midnight.

Just after midnight, Jeffy had a massive seizure and died in the bed, in Scott's arms.

Scott gave him a sponge bath, wrapped him in his favorite blanket, and set the blanket on the couch. We sat vigil with the blanket until this morning, when we drove to the Santa Cruz mountains in a terrible rainstorm (body in the backseat, along with his favorite toy mouse) and met the woman who would be cremating him (with mouse). It all feels terrible. It's terrible.

Zeke and Mogli are very out of sorts. They spent much of last night wandering around looking for Jeffy. When they found the wrapped up body on the couch, Mogli stood guard with it almost all night. I'm not even kidding. What an incredibly sweet cat he is. I can't even express how much it touches me that he did that. He had to be by the brother he loved so much. And Zeke was terrified ... he's better now, but they are both still sad, and there is a new order to be figured out in our little Pride. Jeffy was around for their entire lives; Jeffy and I grew up together; Jeffy and Scott were best friends. Ouch. This really, really hurts. We miss him so much already.

My body feels totally broken today. Pulled muscles from pilling Jeffy and syringe feeding him during the last week, coupled with no sleep last night (fact: I am apparently terrified of dead bodies being in my home, something I just discovered last night ... so much pointless anxiety) have left me wrecked. Tomorrow I go back to work and resume "normal life," whatever that means.

Jeffy, I will miss you for the rest of my life, and your daddy may never get over this. We love you.