Pinterest Wednesday // & one of those days

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Sometimes I want to shake things up. I won't be including more than just this pin today; it's my absolute favorite of all the pins I've pinned these last few weeks. Adorable.

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Today is one of those days for me. I'm trying not to think about it, and yet, I feel like I should. Today would have been my dad's 60th birthday. It is incomprehensible to me that in two months, I'll be marking 9 years since his death. That nine years have passed is cruel. On one level, of course the pain of losing a parent subsides, on a day-to-day level; but on another, it will never get better, or easier, or hurt any less. That's a tough pill to swallow, particularly when death is so unfair, and takes someone so young, for seemingly no reason.

On days like today, I feel fragile. He should be here, and we should be celebrating. I am so much my father's daughter, and we had such a troubled relationship; I don't think we'd still have that today, and I know he would be so proud of me. My face grimaces in pain when I think of what I'd give to have him here today. The inherent unfairness of life & death rips open my wounds today. The thought that my future children will never know their grandfather (either of them, even more sadly) or give him much thought cuts to the bone. I can't help it. My mind goes to these places.

I can't believe he would only be 60 today. My dad, 30 years older than me. I'm turning 30 this year.

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I know that I can honor his life and the immeasurable impact he has had on my own life by taking care of myself, by living life as healthily and as happily as I can, and by making an impact on this world. I'm going to (in part) do that this year by running Bay To Breakers, an historic 12k foot race in SF that usually is more known for drunken, costumed antics than actual serious running. But there are serious runners. I'm going to be walking more than I'll be running (that's just how I roll) but my goal is to finish & be proud of myself (something way more doable). 

The really magical part of doing B2B this year is that it takes place on May 20th, the very date of my father's death. When I realized that, all of my hemming and hawing about whether or not to register went out the window: the timing is too perfect.

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This is what I know to do well at this point, this channeling of energy into positive change.

It's just that sometimes, on days like today, that won't work all the time, and I'm left thinking of all that was, and what could have been, and it all just seems so unfair.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I rarely share my thoughts publicly, or even with family, about this anymore, so when I do it can come out Debbie Downer. I hope that's not how this came out. I'm fully planning on enjoying this wonderful day of being alive (and in fact, already am). ☆