October

September went really fast. It really feels like fall now. I love that, because summer is exhausting. I love summer, but over time I become so overwhelmed by how much there is to do, how long the days are, and the expectation that you're always just go-go-go! all summer long. Fall is a time where I start to redirect my life inward, and it's always such a relief. This year it feels like even more of a relief than usual. I need time to put myself back together after an extremely active summer.

There was a time when I used this blog to make monthly goals for myself. In the last two years it has seemed ludicrous to even try to make monthly goals when I've been trying to build my life back up again and the only goal has really been don't fall apart.

But that isn't entirely true, either, because with each passing month, I've added more and more of my old goals back into my life, felt more like my old self (though I still fear, I will never feel like my "old self" ever again -- maybe I should stop fearing that and move on?). ANYWAY. Over time, I've gotten back to some pieces of myself, become really driven again, really decided to get back to being goal-driven and hard on myself and all of that stuff. In certain ways, this is good -- achieving stuff is good. But in certain ways, it's bad, because I push myself so hard, when I don't accomplish things I come down so hard on myself, and it's really hard for me to just relax and do nothing. Doing nothing is accomplishing something important too, you know?!

This is something I am trying so hard to believe with my heart and soul, this year.

So while it doesn't feel appropriate to go back to the days of monthly goals, I do want to say something here about what I hope to accomplish this fall, even if they're more general goals. I'm really happy to say that I've been doing great with running, I've read 7 books since July, and I'm going back to Portland in early December for a long weekend. I feel really good about all of those things, and they help me feel fulfilled. I'm also ramping up for more photography, and a better business, in 2016 -- next year is the year I really try to grow this business of mine. I'm excited about the future and I really don't want to sit back and let life rule me anymore. I can do this.

Anyway. I always digress so well. Here are some things I'd love to do this fall:

-- Visit a pumpkin patch

-- Keep reading; always be reading a book

-- Find a therapist, if possible

-- Do something photography-related every day

-- Get back on my bike; do at least one long bike ride (10-15 miles)

-- Clean out my closet and donate to Goodwill

-- Practice my clarinet

-- Finish the puzzle currently sitting under my bed

-- Plan and execute a scaled down but still delicious vegan Thanksgiving dinner

-- Run at least one half marathon

-- Do yoga three times per week

-- Continue paying down my debt

-- Begin making plans for 2016 travel, saving money, etc

-- "Don't worry, be happy."


I've spent several days putting this post together. I feel like I make mountains out of molehills and creating this post is no different. Several times, I wondered what the point of even writing all of this out is. I still have a really love/hate relationship with blogging. I want to write stuff, yet I don't feel like what I have to write contributes to internet in any meaningful way. This is the same thing I've been feeling for the last couple of years. I want to get back to a place where I do feel like I am contributing something meaningful on the internet. Not just for me, but for others. Like, posting recipes and sharing things that I'm happy about or proud of or worried about or whatever.

I've thought about doing another 31 days of blogging, but I need to get some ideas for posts first before I launch into something like that. But -- I am thinking about it. Stay tuned.