#30daysofblogging Day 1: Hello Again

(as seen on a walk this afternoon)

There used to be a time, years ago, when I would come here and just start writing. That appears to have been lost on me for a while now. Why do I fear expressing myself so much? I think it's leftover anxiety from last year, fearing what people would think about my life choices. I'm so far past caring at this point -- people are going to think what they want about me, and I can't control that. So why not push through the fear of writing publicly again?

At the same time, the old "quality over quantity" issue continues to come up for me. If I can add quality content to the internet, instead of adding to the noise, then I want to write. But so often I devalue my personal voice because my threshold for "quality" in terms of my own writing is very high. Almost anything could be considered garbage, to my perfectionist standards. But again, ugh, Amber, stop taking yourself so seriously! Just write! Right?

I was looking through my archives just now (always a perilous exercise) for my favorite black bean salsa recipe, and it hit me just how much I miss truly experimenting in the kitchen, and taking photos of my random experiments. Of the days where I roasted every squash I could find. The days where I took professional photos of random food, just because. I am torn about whether I want to get back to that: on one hand, I spent so much money doing all of that, and I sacrificed time I now spend doing other things (or sitting around, which is something I value a lot these days!). I also no longer have someone who will share a lot of my edible creations with me, so whatever I make, I need to eat. But then again -- cooking, and food photos, and creativity in the kitchen. Those are things I truly love, and that won't change anytime soon (or hopefully ever).

Things to think about. Deep thoughts.

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I'm daydreaming a lot this morning about having my own garden. I realize how far I am from that dream coming true right now -- as far as I've ever been! -- but I still can't shake the fantasy. I want to grow my own food, create my own space, get dirty. The idea of eating food that I've grown really appeals to me for so many reasons. I also find that a lot of my day to day issues stem from not spending enough time outdoors, among nature, out of the built environment. I need nature. Every time I ride my bike through an area with few cars and a lot of nature, I feel so different -- so much better, calmer, more serene. It is in those moments that I realize just how much of a toll the urban, built environment takes on me, even with all of its modern conveniences.

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Speaking of nature, I went on a long walk during my lunch break. We're having warm weather for what seems like the first time in ages, and it felt so good to breathe in the warm, flowery-scented air, listen to birds chirp, and see everything that's been blooming since the last time I ventured out. I really feel calmer after returning from these walks. And it's not just the exercise. I really think people were probably happier before we "paved paradise and put up a parking lot." (Thanks, Joni)